*this is what I reckon...

I don't think things just happen. I  think there are secret rules, universal things that govern the way things are. I 'm trying to figure them out.

Please keep this list to yourself as what follows is from a book that I’m writing...or may, one day if I get my act together...anyway it's copyright.

In putting this together I got a lot of help from my students at the KvB Institute of Technology and Mcleay College and I would like to thank them (though I no longer teach there or anywhere else).

I should also mention that in March 2004  I unsuccessfully pitched  this idea for an advertising campaign at the agency where I work - they didn't get it...go figure.

I don't know if that means anything. 

Also, I'm still yet to be convinced by some of these 'rules' and I think others only apply to some of us some of the time.

Any way, here’s what I’ve discovered so far…

We notice what goes wrong more than we notice what goes right.

You will never be more attractive to the opposite sex than when you are in a serious relationship.

If it’s on sale, it won’t be in your size.

Three dates makes it a relationship.

Good nights out happen when you don’t plan them.

When you really want to watch TV there is nothing good on.

The bigger your rush, the worse the traffic.

When putting on or pulling off a shirt over your head, people will close their eyes and hold their breath.

People will nod and smile at you when they have no idea what you’re talking about.

There is always a quicker way of doing things.

If you are trying to avoid someone, chances are that you will run into them.

The car will always breakdown at the wrong time.

On average 27% of a shopping trolley will contain impulse purchases.

Boredom is contagious.

When you’re at a night club there will always be one girl in the toilets crying about her boyfriend.

Your name is your destiny; it’s why people with names like Bob are so ‘Bob-like’.

When dong the washing there will always be one pocket you forget to check and it will contain a tissue.

A Man will underestimate how often a woman thinks about sex.

If you smile on public transit people will think you are weird.

You don’t realise quite how drunk you are until you lie down in bed.

Whenever you wear white clothes of any sort you will spill something on them.

You will find it after you have stopped looking for it.

.As soon as you get over an ex, they will be interested in you again.

When you go shoe shopping you will have holes in your socks.

No matter what time you arrive you will have only just missed the bus.

Your mobile phone always rings when you don’t want it to, but if you’re expecting a call it never  comes.

Wanting something badly can decrease the likely hood of it happening.

When you feel like a quite night everybody else wants to party.

Whenever you want to go out, everyone else wants to hang out at home.

Happy couples can make depressing company.

The more money you have, the less you need.

The boss will only ever visit your office when you’re on a personal call.

Finding a car park takes twice as long when you’re in a hurry.

You always catch red traffic lights when you’re in a hurry.

It’s only funny when it happens to someone else.

All families are dysfunctional.

The more you put off something the harder it becomes to start.

You can never remember a good joke when you need one.

You have to make the same mistake twice before you learn from it.

You will only remember that persons name after you have seen them.

You can tell a lot about a person by watching them with their dog.

You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes.

It always rains when you decide to leave the umbrella at home.

At those times when you need to think before you speak, you won’t.

When using your loose change to pay for something you will be 10 or 20 cents short.

The shorter the sleep available to you, the harder it will be to get to sleep.

The days you can sleep in, you end up waking up at an ungodly hour.

Relationships occur when you least expect them.

When you work up the courage to ask someone for something their phone will be busy.

There’s only one answer to the question, “Do I look fat in this?”

The phone will stop ringing the second before you pick it up.

The clothes you want to wear out are in the wash.

People will laugh even if the joke is not really that funny.

In a relationship one partner will usually like the other one more.

Every time you get a hangover you swear it will never happen again.

In a fight each man will claim some small victory.

Watching a clock slows the passage of time.

When you’re busy everyone calls, when you’re bored, no one calls.

Alcohol makes others more attractive and you less so.

Even when people know what they want they will still consult the menu.

People who regularly go to the same restaurants regularly order the same meal.

Once you’ve got something you’ll find it less interesting.

Owning something makes it less desirable.

You will always bump into the person you’d like to impress when you’re looking your worst.

When trying to look cool you will do something clumsy.

Parties seldom start to happen before 11pm.

The earlier you have to get up; things end up happening to keep you up late.

When you have money you can’t find what you want to buy.

Someone will step on your new shoes.

You’re 90% more likely to dent your car in the first month after buying it.

Even if the sign clearly says pull, you will push.

If you just paid full price, tomorrow it will be on sale.

How funny a sitcom is will be inversely proportional the amount of canned laughter used.

When trying to extract yourself from a boring conversation you will always feel rude.

A scolding from a friend is better than praise from an enemy.

When you need the receipt, it will be missing.

A really cool person will make anything they wear look cool.

When you finally make it to the dance floor the music takes a turn for the worse.

Horoscopes are more accurate in retrospect.

Other people’s cooking always tastes better.

The more you make the more you will spend.

No matter how thoroughly you check to see if the grass is wet, you will always end up with a wet ass.

You can fuss with your hair a lot an nobody will notice.

You will always remember that you’ve left your keys inside the second you hear the door close behind you.

Looks and personality can be mutually exclusive.

You will be at your wittiest when you’re without an audience.

When you finally get your pizza you forget how long you had t wait for it.

When preparing a special meal you will always forget one ingredient.

After getting a number, men will wait 3 days before calling a girl.

Wait for a call all day, go outside for 2 minutes and you’ll miss it.

You will always need to go to the bathroom at an inconvenient time.

Time goes slower if you are waiting for something.

Accidental clumsy-ness will lead to acute self-consciousness.

The trip will always be shorter on the way back.

The busier you are the more you will get done.

Acronyms will generally consist mostly of 3 letters (IBM, BMW, CAD, CGI...)

If a long list isn't numbered, people will miss how many things you

Actually put on the list.

Sounds can be substitutes for words to more accurately describe feelings or tastes. "I was feeling kinda eeeee.." It tasted kind of erk”.

The phone will always ring just as you are about to leave.

It’s only after taking a seat, do you realize you’re out of toilet paper.

On public transit, if people think you’re looking at them they won’t look at you.

Children tell the truth at the wrong time.

You always get a pimple the night before a big date.

When people trip over they pretend it never happened.

There is no effective method of establishing whether you have bad breath by yourself.

Good people can go out with bad people.

Lost Credit cards can be easily found the minute they have been cancelled.

You will say ‘ouch’ when hearing of someone else pain.

Right before a person falls asleep they will twitch.

The worse your day, the better a friends will be.

When you a have a lot of work to do, something more interesting comes up.

Couples tend to break up just before significant events, like birthdays.

Your injuries always hurts more when you see the blood.

When you really need it, it’s not there.

People will buy something fatty and top it off with a diet Coke.

When you need it, the batteries will go flat.

People notice when you’re late but never when you’re on time.

No matter how much time you give yourself to get there, you still manage to be late.

Joining a queue can cause it to become the slowest.

You queue will always be the slowest moving.

When you think no one is watching, someone is.

Embarrassing things never happen without an audience.

You will think up the perfect witty reply 3 days later.

Men with beer bellies will wear their pants either just above or just below the belt – never across the middle.

You are never happy with the weather no matter what it is.

Most people don’t like change, but then go on to complain nothing interesting ever happens in their life.

When standing in a group, people will actually point their feet toward the person they're most interested in.

No one ever just walks past and picks up a piece of fruit everyone squeezes fruit/vegetables...

When squeezing/testing fruit no one ever picks the first piece. People can go through 15-20 lemons for example, before picking one.

After putting shoes on, most people will go on to fix their collar when in fact it has nothing to do with the shoes.

People make hand gestures while on the phone

If one person starts to apply lip balm, so does everyone around them

When bitching, people always lower they’re voices, even if no one is around to overhear.

The most common sleeping pose for people on trains seems to be with arms crossed, chin on neck, nodding slightly.

Doctors writing is always indecipherable.

When putting on glasses, people tend to close their eyes at that transition point from blindness to clear eyesight.

People tend to have their own square of cement outside when they smoke.

Once you have owned a mobile phone it will be impossible to live without one.

No matter how early you arrive at the bus stop, you will always just miss the bus.

There are never enough power points in any given room.

People wearing Hawaiian shirts are seldom unhappy.

If you like someone, chances are they like you too.

Eating a banana with your cereal makes it 3 times more filling.

People who work in a city don’t look upwards.

You will often look at a couple and wonder how that happened.

Women will look at you and treat you differently if you are not interested.

Men will get very quiet in front of a urinal

People who hate their jobs can really influence their environment.

People have this wonderful instinct for spreading out perfectly and evenly when they are getting on a bus.

The word ‘Hello’ can be substituted for any number of other words or phrases such as ‘get real’ or ‘could you say that again please’.

Girls will go the bathroom in pairs or groups.

You will always need to stop for gas when you are in a hurry.

The less interested they you in them, the more interested they are in you.

Boredom is contagious.

Sarcasm is often substituted for wit.

You can check out 5 stores to see who has the lowest price and find the first one is the cheapest.

Telephone numbers will get lost in your wallet.

No matter how hard you try, if you’ve got a secret, you will tell someone.

People always look better when you get to know them.

No matter how beautiful your partner, you’ll take it for granted after a month.

It’s always sunny on the day’s you’re stuck inside.

The only two shows you want to watch are on TV at the same time.

The most important part of the movies takes place in the 2 minutes you are in the bathroom.

A sore tooth feels enormous in your mouth.

The most delicious part of a meal are the first two mouthfuls of each course.

The worse your mood, the more bad things happen.

People get hung –up about the smallest things about their appearance.

The more you know the less you think you know.

People who begins sentences with things like “to tell you the truth…” seldom do.

Problems seem smaller when you’re falling in love.

Procrastination reduces the length of time required to accomplish a task.

...and that's it, my list so far. If you have any suggestions please e-mail me and let me know. Thanks. Ravi